Emotional week. Sorting it out.

So Monday 4 in the morning my other half wakes me up. Lung, chest, stomach and heart pain. Needless to say we head in to the hospital. Monitors and tests confirm it all relates back to his heart. It is not pumping efficiently and he has alot of fluid built up in his system. So much that his lungs are filling up. He was admitted. They spent all day pumping him full of medicine to get the fluid off and prep him to do a angio gram. Mind you the angio can't be done until he can lay flat and do to the fluid build up if he tries he drowns. So we are put in a waiting/holding pattern to get it done and find out what exactly is going on. Is it a blockage or the muscle is the question of the day. Tuesday morning 8ish the doc comes in and brings good news. The fluid is down enough they can do the procedure. He is done by 1030. The results aren't the best though. His heart is only operating at 1/3 capacity. While the left artery that they put 3 stints in 2 years ago looks great, He has a full blockage on the right side, and a 95 % blockage in the center arteries, the surgeon tells me. Due to the location of the blockage in the artery they cannot stint it because it will block the left side off and he requires open heart surgery. A double bypass. My partner and I have had many what if conversations and I am we'll aware of his wishes. This is not good news for us. Thankfully I don't have to tell him since the surgeon has already. We spend a few hours in the recovery room discussing everything where we are informed that due to the meds to have the angio they will not be able to perform the surgery for a few days. Good news he is considering having the surgery. However given risks (his are a little higher than average) and his family history (he has had a few die on the table) he wants to ensure his affairs are in order before he goes under the knife. This requires going home while we wait. That is the agreement. He will have the surgery for me and our kids (which goes against every what if discussion we have ever had) if he can come home home and put things in order. It really isn't my call or the doctors. It truly is his. We met with the doc again and are informed that it is actually a 99% blockage not 95. Also they call it a widow maker lesion. His given a couple weeks to a month without the surgery. But it can be up to a couple weeks before they can do the surgery. Given all this my partner preference is even more concreted. He wants his potential final days spent with his family not in the hospital. (Btw his biggest fear is dying in the hospital) so we came home. He spent yesterday appreciating the beauty of the world and dancing with our daughter. Whom I took to visit her daddy in the hospital on Monday. She wanted to go hold his hand. During this visit she began apologizing for every boogerheaded thing she had ever done, breaking his heart and making him sick. You see the biggest thingy partner needed to do that could not be done effectively in the hospital is be there for our little girl whom blames herself for her daddy being sick. He won't run the risk of that progressing into her feeling that she killed her daddy. Our little girl is all of 5 years old and incredibly intuitive. Dancing with daddy last nightshe lays her petite little hand on his cheek and says "daddy when you are afraid in the hospital you tell mommy to bring me and I will come hold your hand." This is followed by her making me promise that I will not for her but for daddy.

This is so sad. Sending my best wishes for you and your family.

omg... My heart is so heavy for you and your family. You have my tears, my prayers, and my hopes.

Lorie

Praying. Hugs to all.

This is the person that is responsible for getting me in to face painting. And I say partner because it fits in
More ways than one. We are "domestic" partners, parenting partners, business partners, etc. Our business is our sole income. We are kept very busy during our busy season and steady in the down times. He is the primary performer though. I cancelled everything I couldn't cover through the weekend, am covering everything I can (which makes for a very looking Thursday. 9am till 1am.) but I have never gone out solo before. Not to a "real" event. Of course now that he is home he is wanting all the more to get me trained up as we have been working on for a while. Infact I have my first magic birthday this weekend. However we are booked solid through next month. I am worried. I don't think we can do everything on the calendar and once he has his surgery he will be unable to do any for several months. We have some large events that we are booked for. I can do a lot after 6 years together but I can't be 2 people and do everything at once..... Still trying to figure out how I will entertain 20 kids while painting them on Thursday....

Best wishes to you and your family, those last few lines made me lose it. Bless your sweet little girl.  

Sounds like maybe you should reach out to fellow entertainers in your area...

Thank you all for your support.

I am working on making arrangements for things to be covered I know 99% of what he does and can teach another. I have to practice my balloons and slight of hand before I can pull off half. Lol mostly balloons. and get a pump. There is no way I can blow them up by mouth like he does and when he can perform again he won't be doing it anymore either. So... I can do 90% of the children's party. However I can't paint and preform at the same time. The flip side is to keep our stock up and make our cost of living I can't pay a lot out. Especially when the other perfomers I have asked want 75% of the show fee to cover. Then there is the flip side that a lot of the bookings are because he is him. We are primarily word of mouth and get most of our bookings off people that never would have considered but saw him/us somewhere. They don't contact is for a magician, they contact us for him. I know it will settle and work out it is just still fresh. In the end I only cancelled 2 shows this week (make that 3 since I locked the keys in the car last night leaving the hospital) and am covering the rest. But we have big clients this weekend and next week. He wants to preform them as it's his life after us. But we still don't know when his surgery will be... I think i can do almost everything on the calendar except his weekly strolling a and the state fair. Though if I do the magic I will probably have to find someone to face paint for me. Since I can't do them at the same time.

I am sending warm wishes of a successful surgery.
I am thinking of you and your family.

xoxoxoxoxo

Wow! Sounds like you have an awesome relationship and understanding. Wishing you all the best. I don't know what I would do without my best friend....just thinking that this morning.

Best wishes your way.

D.

Quite the pair we make. Each of us having the others back no matter what. In this situation it would be putting aside my desires to carry out his wishes and he puts aside his wishes to carry out my desires. So a compromise was made. he was amazed at my cool head during everything. But having discussed and an understanding in place I knew my job. So I did it. After all it's not about me. Of course that left the hospital staff with an unimpressed assessment of me but its not about them either. What is love and support if not being able to know that you, your beliefs and your desires will be upheld in any circumstance? That someone cares enough to be there no matter what? Leaving you a true freedom to make your choices and focus on what you really need to? He was given the choice of a few weeks or a risk of a few days. He chose a to spend his potential last with his family and then take the risk with the possibility of extending his life. If that's not love I don't know what is.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my story and sharing your support and selves. It will be a long journey. But it is good to have a place to free my space and lean on the strength of others while I am the rock and foundation for the rest of his world and all that care for him.

Oh jynx.... This makes me so sad for you and your family... What a rough weather to go through!
I'll light a "good hope" candle for you all, hoping things to turn out for better!!
Love and hugs, xxx

Thank you Lizzie. We figure what was meant to be will be. We plan to make the most of every second and if it is meant to be his time we that remain behind will have these precious moments. If he is meant to have the surgery then our family will be all the closer on the other side. In the meantime, I will be making lots of candles as I am going through them quickly and all prayers, candles, positive energies, good hopes and warm wishes are sincerely appreciated.

Lady Jynx, I have always really enjoyed your posts for their humor and level-headedness and great common sense and just plain good sense and utter intelligence. Without knowing you personally, I have long respected you. I'm sending you lots of love now, and prayers too. And extra sparkles for your little girl!

things are scary right now my love but with you I do not fear the darkens. the pain is made bearable when your arms encircle me. the cold is kept at bay as I bask in your love. before you I had no life only existence. I was born the day we met. if it is to be short then at least I have had the honor of knowing what true love and compassion feels like. I have no regrets. I would trade a life time for one week in your arms.

if I am to live then it will be in the knowledge that I will be blessed by your light for longer. when it is my time to move on to the summer lands I know that my last view will be of your loving beautiful face. your eyes locked into mine carrying me on my journey.

I will love you my whole life. you and no other.
tha goal agam orsht ana mo chara.

Michael

Shannon, I am so sorry that you're having to go through this. You do what you need to do for you and your family and don't worry what anyone else thinks. There may come a time when you need to be at the hospital instead of an event, instead of vice versa, and that's ok too. You have my prayers during this difficult time.

Thank you for your post my love. I know I will read it many times in the road ahead. Always finding strength and support and peace.

Yes Jenny we do what we must. And my priorities are clear. It's a long bumpy road ahead and every moment makes it all the more real and scary.

Today was a fairly relaxed and kick back day. We didn't really do much. Hung out. Sing songs. Dishes. And generally just enjoyed each other. Yet here we are as the house winds down and he admits in a vent that he may have pushed himself a bit today. He is feeling weak tonight. I can't help but feel afraid at what is yet to come. No call from the surgery schedulers. The knowledge of borrowed time a heavy weight in my heart. I press down the fear and tears. They won't help anyone. It was rough trying to keep things "normal" for everyone. And to suppress the personal need to well put him on the couch and enforce a "do nothing" life. However even the smallest thing is the best moment in the world. Allowing him to live rather than smother him. It was so hard not to shut him down when he picked up the towel to dry the dishes he knows I hate to wash. But it meant so much to him to do something as a family. How could I say no? Such a simple task but the memory is irreplaceable.

Sending my prayers and burning a candle for you and your Family! Be strong and enjoy those precious moments together!

I just read this thread. Lady- My thoughts and love are with you and your partner!

I just read this thread, too. I'm not ashamed to say I bawled like a baby.

I cannot imagine the emotional roller coaster the two of you are feeling.

It seems that you both have been given the perfect amount of grace and courage to handle this together.

And the post Michael left on here for you is brilliantly beautiful.

I will be thinking of you two and sending prayers.
 

THE DOCTOR JUST CALLED! HE SAID HE WANTS TO GET ME ON THE TABLE NEXT WEEK! im so scared and relieved at the same time! it seems my odds just went up a bit! I can not wait to tell shannon

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
All my thoughts and good vibes are on their way to you, lovely people!!

So it's official. His appointments and surgery are on for next week. The notes he took while I was on gig are a little mixed up but it looks like it has been set for the 30th. In the meantime we have lots of appointments to keep. Had to cancel a few of our shows. Worried about income but so happy to have progress.