Just needing some love.... :(

Ok, so I know I haven't been around a whole lot lately. Its mostly because the beginning of this month marks the 15th year of my little girls Angelversary. She went back to being an beautiful little angel at 10 months old, after loosing to Spinal muscular atrophy. A very horrible disease. She was lucky to live 4 months longer than she should of according to the doctors, which was a blessing for me and my family, but I know that she was just staying to please us.

Phyllicha, my little angel is on the left, and Brittany my lovely young lady now is on the right. (This wasn't too
My poor baby was always in so much pain, and the doctors would never listen to me. So when she finally decided that it was time, I could see in her eyes that she wanted to stay with me, but I just couldn't do that to her. I held her in my arms, and whispered in her ear, 'My little angel, I know you are hurting, and you know I love you more than anything! Its ok, you go and make friends with all those angels, they will take care of you, and then you can actually play, and move around. Its ok sweetheart, I love you and always will!' Then I started singing, "Baby Mine" from the Dumbo movie.... Within a couple minutes she took her last breath in my arms.

I am having a really hard time this month, and just needed a safe place to vent. I know you all won't do what a lot of people that I know tell me, which is just get over it. So if you all don't see me on for a while then you know why. I haven't even been able to bring myself to finish the sugar skull that I wanted to dedicate to here for this months competition, let alone to pick up a brush and actually paint anything. I am trying but not getting anywhere...

I know there are so many out there that have it so much worse than I do, and I try to keep that in mind, I just can't get past it this year, usually I am happy that she was able to get away from that beat up body, but come to think of it, I think its cuz this year is their sweet 16, and I wish she could of been here for it. Her twin sister is such a special young lady, I often think that they would probably of been inseparable.

Sorry.... Like I said, I just need some love, and venting time. I hope that you all can have a blessed day!

Skidzz, You are a strong and beautiful woman and I thank you for sharing your story. Sharing is not venting. There is so much love coming from your words that it can actually be felt. Sometimes we paint with words instead of a brush.
I' a single mom with a 15 year old son... but I lost four babies before him. We are kindred sisters in a way. Myself; five surgeries in five years. Two of them i also didn't make it through. But I always think and say the same thing as you. "I know there are people who have it worse than I do"...and it's true. When I really concentrate on that it makes my heart fill with love for others. Just think...there are children and people in this world who have never known love at all. You gave your daughter all the love she could possibly have here on this earth and she carries that with her still. May God bless you today and everyday with His love and guidance.

Hugs. I have no words but I'm thinking of you.

Skidzz, my greatest fear has always been and will always be to lose a child. I admire your strength and your love towards her. And I agree with miss Ronnie who stated it beautifully, sharing is not venting.
Thinking of you, (((((big hugs)))))

((((Hugs)))))

-hugs- you should never 'get over it'. its ok not to.
here for you, share all you like. they are right, this isnt venting.

Just want you to know that my heart hurts for your loss - which must surely be as fresh as that day years ago, does a mother ever "recover" from loss like this? I'm so sorry that you have this grief to shoulder, but I am happy that you were able to spend that impossibly short time with your baby before she left you. I'll be praying for God to draw near to you especially now while you are thinking of your daughter.

I am no good at stuff like this- no eloquence in uncofortable situations. I'm the queen of awkward pats on the back. But Skidzz, I want to say all the right things and sooth your heart a little. I really do. I am so sad for your loss- and admiring of your strength. pat. pat. (hug!)

Miss Ronnie wrote:Skidzz, You are a strong and beautiful woman and I thank you for sharing your story. Sharing is not venting. There is so much love coming from your words that it can actually be felt. Sometimes we paint with words instead of a brush.

Words fail me Skidzz, I'm sorry. Miss Ronnie spoke beautifully. I cannot imagine the pain of this magnitude. (((warm hugs))) Glad you felt you could share with us and hope you can draw some comfort from this.

Skidzz, from someone who's had a couple of kids go on ahead of me...keep your eyes open, I'm sure she's close and will make herself known. It's so hard to say good-bye, even for a little while--but Heaven doesn't have iron bars and brazen gates. Love transcends...oh, and say "Hi" to her for me too!

crying in front of my screen now..I cannot imagine how it must feel to lose a child..I was pregnant 2 times and had and still have (god bless) 2 healthy girls..

sending some hugs from this side of the world..

Oh I am so sorry for your loss. Although I wish I read this at home and not at work. Trying to hold back tears in front of co-workers. Big HUG! I know it's hard but she is free from any suffering now.

Thinking of you and yours Skiddz. I am tearing up. I couldnt imagine going through what you did and I dont think it could ever be something you can fully "get over". How insincere for anyone to even suggest that. We all know that your little baby is with God and watching over you and their twin.

I personally almost passed away myself in child birth. I had placenta previa and my placenta burst while in bed one night. Myself and my baby lost over half our blood before I even got to the opperating table. If I had not lived just 5 blocks from the hospital we would not have made it. It was the most scary experience I have ever had and didnt even know if my baby had made it through the ordeal until several hours later and didnt get to see him until hours and days later. When they cut him out of me they started resessitation immediately and kicked my husband out of the room. They ushered my baby out of the room and never told me anything. The longest several hours of my life. I had a several blood transfusions and now am a stronger more faithful person. My baby is my miracle baby, as is your young lady is now.

You dont know how much you have and how precious life is until something like what you went through happens. Give Brittany love and hugs enough for the both of them. and from all of us.

Never feel like you are venting, exspecially when all you asking for is support. We all support you!

Huge hugs for all of your family.

Skiddz, I know exactly how you feel, having lost one 20 years ago. He was our miracle child, after being told we would never have kids, and the pregnancy being a dream to go through... he died suddenly from a birth defect but would have endured a life of pain if he had lived. All I can tell you is that the people who tell you to "get over it" do not realize the magnitude of how something like that changes your very soul... a part of you is missing. All you can do is pray that 1) they never have to face something like that and 2) that their heart is softened and they become a little more compassionate. You can not worry about those people beyond that... never allow them to make you feel less for your pain. As far as the sweet 16, I get that too. I am usually okay most days, most years... but those years of 16, 18, high school graduation, etc... those are tough.

I will be praying for you, and your daughter. I know she must feel the pain, too. I can remember my children, born later, crying because they missed PJ... and never met him. They would make him cards and cry for him on holidays and when they were really stressed or tired. I think the siblings hurt as much, in a different way.

If you ever want to talk to someone who understands... I'm here. I am so sorry for your pain and grief. I wish I could take it away from you, but if I did I would also be taking the sweet memories. I wish you all the best, hon, and come back when you can. Hugs....

Oh Skidzz, I wanna reach through my screen and give you a huge hug! I too am not great with the words, but pretty much agree with what everyone else said and send the love your way. When and if you get to the point where you feel you can move along with the dedication of your sugar skull I'm sure she'll feel it....and it may even bring your soul some peace and comfort.

big hugs to you xx

There is no greater power than the love of a mother to child! My brother's wife went through a similar experience as you. She taught me that it's important to acknowledge that your child exists. So many people don't know what to say and prefer you say nothing because it's uncomfortable for them. Too bad! Thank you for remembering and letting us share in that memory.

(((HUGS)))

You are in my prayers tonight. I cannot imagine your pain. I'm so sorry for your loss. This past Summer a friend here in Ohio of mine lost her 9 month baby girl. She just simply went to sleep. Her pain is deep but with the love and support of friends and family, I know she will make it through. Sometimes one day at a time, sometimes one breath at a time.

I don't believe a parent could possibly ever get over such a sad thing as the loss of a child but I pray that God will give you peace and strength each day. Many (((hugs))).

I treasure our forum family to show their caring in your sharing of your saddness. You've come to the right place to share. We'll never tell you to get over it, we just want you to know that we care.

From The Heart
© Kenna Hodgson
To my little angel in the sky
Sixteen years ago mummy had to kiss you goodbye
I didn't want to let you go
But you made me a better person I want you to know
Because of you there is nothing I'm scared to do
So my beautiful baby
Every sunset will always be for you

No one can tell you how long or how hard to mourn the death of a loved much less the death of a child. It is not the natural order of life that a Mother would have to bury her child. Is there any greater devastation? So, If other people don't get well then they just don't get it. That is your right as her mother. People do not grieve the same way or in the same time, nor should they expect that we should.

Now what I will say to you is that I know you wish to honor the memory of her in the best possible light and in the best way you can and that is by....

LIVING WELL You honor her life her spirit her purpose by living in the joy of having had her and having known her. You do her a disservice dwelling in the sorrow and tradgedy of her death. She would not want this for you.
She was a beautiful gift chosen just for you. You got to have, share, care for and experience something in this world no one else will ever have and that is to be celebrated.

Tearing up and sending hugs. May your little angel watch over and protect her sister and all your family.

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."
Kahil Gibran

Skidzz, I'm praying for you! No one ever gets over a loss of a child & they shouldn't. My close friend got to spend 2 beautiful years w/ her beautiful little boy before the leukemia he was born w/ took him to heaven. She's a different person but a better one for everything she went through & every moment he graced their lives. I know this is the same for you. Your wonderful child graced your life & blessed you & will always be remembered for the joy she was for her short time.

Tears don't let me write I can't imagine ( and I don't want to) what would I do if something like that happened to my little baby. But for sure I wouldn't "get over it". May your little angel watch over all your family. Warm hugs.