Path Changers

A couple of years ago, through much thought, prayer, discussion, and family debate, we moved my mom into our home and the dynamics of our house and home were changed for the long run.

Last week my siblings and I learned that dad has lung cancer. He's almost at stage 4. He started chemo yesterday. He and my step-mom live 5 hours away. Neither of them are in any shape to handle this on their own, so.... siblings and I are meeting on Friday. Cleaning out the folks' THREE FULL GARAGES, eh, hem. and making some life changing decisions.

I got the phone call about dad on Thursday. An hour later while talking to my husband about it as he was driving home (yes - he has a bluetooth), I was suddenly shaken to my core by his sudden screams, "Ohhhh, no, no, no... ah, ah, ahh!" and then silence. He'd been in an accident on the freeway going 70 mph.

Nothing brings us to our knees faster than complete helplessness and fear.

He's perfectly fine, but his car was totaled. A car had suddenly veered into his lane of traffic and he had to slam on his brakes which caused him to spin out. They didn't even stop! Probably were oblivious the whole time.

A couple of months ago my path for the year was very clear to me. I was cruising along quite smoothly. Life is full of path changers though. And that's okay. We are adaptable and resilient. We are resourceful and creative. We are more than survivors, we are overcomers and thrivers. We are believers and hopers and we know how to put one foot in front of the other.

March on!

Oh Manja.
I'm sorry to hear.
Sounds like you've got your chin up.

I'm so glad your husband was okay. I cannot imagine what terror gripped you while awaiting the phone call back to assure you he was alive and well.

Hugs, my dear.

Manja--..I've .had a couple of major upheavals myself, and appreciate your "ever onward" attitude!

I recently read through a Bible study on the meaning of "hope" & was encouraged to learn that it is not a feeling, but directly translated, an "expectation". I "hope" things go well!

You've got my prayers for wisdom, strength & supply

Thanks for the hugs and prayers and empathy, ladies. I appreciate your embraces. It was a horribly challenging day and yes, happynut - 15 minutes of terror.

I agree, anniel - hope, like love, is active. Not based on "feelings", but choices and frame of mind... of putting into practice the ACTS of hope and love.

Expectation. The roots of which is born of our belief system. The branches being our attitude. The fruit, our actions.

Blessings on your outstretched hearts and prayers.

I know all about it.

Mom had a stroke January 9, 2010... she woke me up whimpering as she had tried to get up to use the washroom... it was 4 a.m. on a Saturday.

The ambulance was there in a few minutes, she was in the hospital in less than 30 minutes from my 911 call and they gave her clot busters.

She is permanently disabled (left side is useless) and requires 24-hour assistance - she cannot move herself around so someone has to be there to help her.

The hospital staff starting in on us about putting her in an assisted living facility... NOT! She's fully functional mentally and still can use the parts that work... just physically she needs help. They just assumed and made comments "you can't manage her" or "you don't want to deal with this" and the doctor who came in to assess her the day after the stroke said, in FRONT OF HER "oh, you'll have to put her in a home"... asshat.

Anyhow... you deal with it. My brother collapsed in Feb 2006 (he was special and my mom had been his caregiver) and died two days later. We got through that together, mom and me. Now I'm her caregiver.

I am restricted in a lot of things I used to be able to do on a whim as I always have to make sure there is a mom sitter if I am gone. But I wouldn't want it the other way!

I would have been frantic to hear what you heard over the phone!

Manja-
My heart goes out to you. ((hugs))

Shannon, I admire your character more and more as I learn more about you.

Thanks for sharing. I've raised my kids with this philosophy, "Remember to look both ways in life. Sure it could be easier or better... but it could also be harder or worse."

((Angela)) rec'd. Thanks

Yes, I was frantic. I was trotting in place, yelling out to God, and screaming at the phone... and crying. It was quite an emotional outpouring that completely overtook me and I couldn't gain control over it. When he called, I nearly melted.

I told him I know now that I'd rather be a fainter than a blubbering fool as I was in those 15 minutes. LOL

Wow, Manja, ---Fainting...what a concept! I had never considered it as an option, I love it! (Shannon...whaddaya think? After everything is "under control", can we faint? ...and to think I always waited for the ol' Irish wake...)

Sorry, just has to get a few giggles going for us all, there is such strength in laughter!

Seriously, though...prayers for us all! What a gift we share in each other!

Oh my goodness...I would have just died. Can't even imagine.

Hubby and I were stuck on a snowy road last week because of an accident. There is this freak area on I-15 that gets these weird winter storms. We finally made it to a little city (tank was almost empty) and were debating stopping for the night at a hotel.

I basically said "Let's keep going, cars are coming the other way" and we made it home. When I tried to find out about the accident that had stopped traffic on the freeway I saw another accident from 2 year previous...an older couple went through the divide in the same area in the same conditions into oncoming traffic and were killed in a horrible accident.

My husband said "We should have stopped." I scares me to death to think about being without my husband or our family without us. When I hear about your husband's accident I just think that our lives aren't in our own hands sometimes and their are idiots everywhere. That's what we tell our kids about driving. We say "we're worried about the other drivers more than you! Watch out for them."

I'm so glad he's okay and I'm so sorry about your other issues. We're having a living will meeting with my mom next week.

D.

anniel wrote:Wow, Manja, ---Fainting...what a concept! I had never considered it as an option, I love it! (Shannon...whaddaya think? After everything is "under control", can we faint? ...and to think I always waited for the ol' Irish wake...)

I've never fainted in my life! I get through the crisis, deal with the fall out... then have a hysterical breakdown when someone forgets to pick up a sock.

When mom was still hospitalized I held it together until the roof sprang a leak ... then I attacked the fridge... it is still dented.

When it comes down to it, nothing really matters after such a close call. The whole world truly does go into perspective. Cars can be replaced. I'm so glad to hear he's ok. I had a similar situation where I was driving behind my husband's car & the car in front of him swerved in front of him & he almost wrecked at 70 MPH. I remember the feeling of hopelessness as I saw it happen & it didn't look like it was going to be good... and that was just seconds of unknown...

I'm praying for you & your family as they make decisions for your parents. It is so hard when the kids have to turn around & make these types of changes.

Oh, you ladies made my day! I am cracking up, Shannon! The calm before the storm... maybe we should nickname you Stormy

Anniel - I'm seriuosly thinking about taking up the art of fainting. Just think how convenient it would be to just "check out" when you need to!

Denise & Linda - wake up calls are good for us. Scary, but good. I am changed and am changing as a result of mine. My perspective on life was altered in that hour. Between getting the news about dad and hearing my husband's near-death experience over the phone, nothing is the same. It's all good, but it's not over and obviously a work in progress.

The seasons of life are not based on the calendar or the moon, but on circumstances. I'm okay with that. We can't expect all of our plans in life to unfold by our timeline or in our way. Some don't unfold at all.

I suppose that's why it's prudent to have a Plan B to implement if/when Plan A fails.

And a backup plan for Plan B. And then if that doesn't work...

I so appreciate your thoughts and prayers. You lift me up and make my shoulders feel lighter.

Know what else really lifted my spirit today? 6 hours of volunteer face painting extraordinaire at my local Head Start preschool. Those kids and parents were soooo happy and grateful and I just felt so priveledged to be able to bless them that way. They got more rhinestones and gems than I ever use! Broke out the metallic powders and blinged them all out. I just poured myself into every one of them and it felt so gratifying.

Sometimes you have to pour yourself all out in order to be filled again.

Manja, I absolutely love that last line! My scare was years ago when my first child was a baby and I was pregnant with our second. Husband was a passenger in a horrible accident with two friends. They rolled the truck end over end four times. (Driver was drinking of course). The phone calls I was getting lead me to believe that my husband had been killed. I left my daughter with his parents and literally blindly sped to the hospital -- beat the ambulance there. God was watching out for both of us that night. Mike was hit in the chest by something so hard that it dislocated both of his clavicles. He couldn't even hold his child for six weeks. Changed our lives for the better and our marriage has been awesome for 29 years now. Hard lessons are the ones that change us the most.

Oh, my goodness, Martha! What a fright!!

I dislocated a clavical when I was 16. Breathing was painful at times and lifting was not an option for awhile.

Praise God he spared your husband from worse injury or death. Such a great testimony on how it changed your lives and strenthened your marriage! Ashes to beauty. Love how He does that on so many levels in our lives.

Thanks for sharing

Yes Manja, He is at work on us everyday. We just don't pay much attention to the little things. My prayers are definitely with you as well as hugs. You sound like one strong, well-grounded lady to me. I admire you for it.

I have a young friend who lost her husband in car accident (the lady who hit them was texting & driving & she also paid w/ her life ). My friends arm was broken & her son (3 months old) was in a coma. I'll never forget her 1st words on hearing about her husband, "God is good & Jesus is Lord." She lived & blogged by those words & ended up helping so many through grief. Her son is perfect & wonderful & she is now remarried & has a lovely life.

It was a very ordinary blog till Oct 31, 2004 & then my friend's life & ministry changed (grab a tissue if you do read the blog; it's quite raw):

http://www.ajandkellie.com/archive/journal/2004_11_01_archive.html

Beautiful blog Psalmbook...thanks for sharing!

I realized life can be short when my daughter who was 2 at the time was stung by a scorpion and almost died. It took me 13 years to have her...I am so blessed she is still here.
Manja- I am soo glad that all is okay with your husband.
These comments just made me stop and take a minute to say thanks....
Thanks for sharing these.

Thanks for the link to your friends blog which has been ministering to me this morning over my burdened heart and mind.

Family can get really squirrely with these type of transitions on the horizon - especially if there is any property or money involved. Being my dad's first-born has been a burden and a priviledge my whole life, but never have I felt so much the "bad guy" as I do now. I'm relating to how Joseph must have felt when his father favored him (in his case, not the oldest, but the chosen one - the one set apart from the rest). The looks, the glares, the whispering, the secret plans, the hoarding and the premature spending. What in the world!?

Yes - I'm Dad's first-born... of his first marriage. My 1/2 brother will be the patriarch and likely his mother's caregiver. He will be the one to inherit because that is how it works in our family culture. He has also just finished his second bankruptsy, lost his second home to foreclosure, been unemployed for nearly 2 years (by choice, not necessity), is broke but buying a car on LOAN PAYMENTS!!! 6 YEARS!!! his wife goes to the salon to have her hair AND nails done every other week! She is a shopper of clothes, shoes, and gold jewelry. Oh, my.

Oh, my goodness - I see my step-mom's retirement money flying out the window right now. They are house shopping. They are car shopping. They are hoarding dad's tools and equipment.

Dad offered me his robe. It's the ONLY thing I took. I didn't even know he had a robe. He looked me in the eye and said, "It's up to you and Andrew now, kid."

I did not ask for this. I do not want to go to battle over money. It's not my money.

It's Andrew's mom's money! It's not my mom! It's his mom! She took me aside, crying, saying "Thank you Lord for sending Manja to speak the truth to them. They need to hear it. Thank you Manja for saying everything to the point. For being strong. I can trust you, ya?"

Oh boy. Not pretty. Not my business, but yet... if not me, then who? Who will advocate for Tilly? Not even her own children. So sad. So, so so sad. And scary.

I love my brother and sisters. I do. But they are so freakin' irresponsible and self-centered. They want - they take. They want - they buy. Oy.

God help me help Tilly.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had to take the money from when my parent's house sold & put it in an annuity, so she'd get a monthly amount for the rest of her life. This was the only way to be sure it didn't just get spent over just a few years. I told my brother that if she lived 13 years longer, we'd get nothing, but if she lives over 13 yrs she still keeps getting her monthly payment. It was about making sure she was secure for the rest of her life & not about if we got anything.
Maybe you could put the money away like this, so she's cared for....

So much to learn in so short a time. Thanks for the suggestion, Linda. I will look into it. I'm going to sit down with the folks by myself on Wednesday. Curious to see what they say when there is no one else's 2-cents worth being thrown in the mix.

Manja, thanks for sharing this!! Thanks to all the others too.

I too join you in painful struggles. Sometimes I get so angry that we must suffer just to learn that we are capable of transcending it.

My suffering has pushed me to "follow my bliss" (thank you Joseph Campbell!) & pursue my art...which led me to face painting.

Here's to walking our own path, the real one!

Namaste!
Nancy

Nancy - yeah, it sucks but it's all for good in the end. If it's not all good, it's not the end. Or so my husband tells me To which I often retort, "Hmph!". I hear you and I can relate. Seems like there should be another way to learn our strength or capacity to manage life. Or maybe it's about learning the opposite. Because truly - I cannot do this alone. Not on my own strength. It's humbling and empowering at the same time to acknowledge that I need to rely on my God - but I do not think Joseph Campbell would agree with that

I also find sometimes it's not about me at all, but maybe in this case, my brother or sister. Or maybe my dad. Or maybe it's time for Tilly to rise up and finally be counted but she'll need a little hand-up - a little boost from someone who's gone before her and succeeded in making her voice heard. Because hers has never been heard and I dunno if she even knows the sound of her own voice because she's held her tongue her whole life long. I dunno.

It's maddening and frustrating at times, but I realize that it could always be worse, so I try not to dwell in that place too awful long. Wouldn't want to get stuck there!

I'm really curious how it all unfolds over time. I'm always curious to see where God is taking us.

On the way home yesterday, my daughter was reminiscing that when she was little she and her siblings would ask, "Where are we going, mom?" and I'd say, "To the moon!" to which they'd all sigh, "Nuh, uh!" but then my husband would always say, "Crazy! Wanna come?" to which they'd all yell, YA!!!

LOVE your forum name... Fugitive from Mediocrity. Beautiful!