School bullies

yes, Im back...though Im a lil sad right now, just read Nancy's post. Bendito its all so sad. Im glad this is a place where some of us feel so comfortable to share such personal experiences.

I feel for children who have to endure this and for us as parents. Its so hard to see the pain our children go through.
Both my children were bullied in Kindergarten. My daughter went to a private school and was bullied by a 3rd grader on the bus ride home. My daughter got off the bus with marks on her face and crying uncontrollably. By the time I was able to calm her down and get the story out of her the bus left. She went on to tell me in detail how this 3rd grader threw chocolate pudding at her, hit her with a “children’s place shoe” (My daughter pays attention to every detail, always has). And the 3rd grader took off her sock and tried to make my daughter eat it, all the while pinching and flicking her face. Needless to say, I was mad as heck. I called her principle as soon as we got home. To which the principle indicated I would have to solve this myself. WTH, I thought! Well the next morning you better believe I approached the bus driver and the mother of the 3rd grader. I showed her the marks on my daughters face and described what my daughter had told me. The mother’s response “well what did your daughter do to her?” By this time I was IRRATE!!! I was proud of my daughter because she spoke up for herself and exclaimed: “I didn’t do anything to her she always picks on me”. I tried to remain civil because my daughter was present, but boy did I want to reach over and slap her one. I told her that even though her daughter was in 3rd grade what her daughter had done was considered assault and that she need to keep her hands to herself and that this better never happen again. Never once did the mother apologize or have her daughter apologize. So I turned to my daughter and told her “Should she ever touch you again you have my permission to punch her, and then tell me about it and I will NOT punish you for defending yourself. Every day after that I asked my daughter as soon as she got off the bus did anything happen on the bus that you need to tell me before the bus leaves. She never had another problem. I let my daughter finish out the school year. But because of the way they handled this situation I didn’t let her go back the following year. I learned this mom made a charitable donation to the school as a result her daughter could do no wrong. I also learned in speaking to other moms that she had bullied many other children in the school. What is wrong with this picture I ask you?

We pulled our son from his old school because he was being so badly bullied and it was only pre-primary. For him the reason was so cruel, he has a mum and dad who look after him, send him to school clean and well fed, made sure he always had what he needed and helped out a lot. I can understand from the other kids point why that made him a target, the school is in a low socio economic area with a large indigenous population. I just couldn't stand by and watch my sweet, kind boy get so badly tormented and the school couldn't do anything as the bully's parents didn't give a toss. He is now in a school that proudly boasts of its zero tolerance to bullying and he has blossomed again. If we hadn't found PVS I would have home schooled, that's always an option if you don't get what you want with the school, no child deserves to be tormented at school.
I think I was always lucky, I had horses, even the biggest bully backs down when they meet you at the park astride 17 hands of mental horse (my thoroughbred showjumper/eventer) who is so in-tune to your moods and full of grain that the slightest thing would set him off. I also carried a meter and a half long dressage whip, boy do they smart.
My other suggestion (if a horse wont fit in your back yard) find a club, the interaction with other like minded kids can (and for me, did) ease the nasty things that happened at school, being able to talk to people who share your interests and love what you love crates a bond. For me it was pony club, but your kids might like scouts or guides. Something that isn't to competitive, has goals that they can achieve and regular activity's. It gives confidence and they have a place to share with new friends stuff that's happening.

Big hugs to you all, bullying sucks.

And if all else fails, get a big dressage whip....

From what I now know, the child in question has been kicked out of 3 different schools and this is the last stop. Things are better now and the school seems to be handling it as this child has caused a lot of trouble with many students apparantly. Anyway, he has settled down because they are going to kick him out for good if any bad behavior persists. He has already had out of school once this year. My child says that he hasn't bothered him lately because of this, so here's hoping that this is the end of the problem.

Meanwhile, I am really wanting to play a role ion helping kids with bullying. I think our church will be a good place to start , we have quite a few kids in there that I know could benefit from some useful tools.

You have all been so helpful. Maggie, I am praying for your daughter, I hope some of the suggestions that have been made on here will be helpful to you. Anramire, my cousin home schooled for similar unfortunate reasons. Sounds like you handled that well, Metina ,you too! I think just putting it out there and confronting the situation is the way to go.
Sam, a huge horse and a dressing whip would def. give confidence! LOL So glad you found a good school for your son and he is happy.

Again, thank you all for this great thread of personal stories, encouraging words and strong tools to help me and others.

Thank you for your kind words I really appreciate all your suggestions, even though my daughter hasn't had any physical bullying words can hurt really bad.

Jody, thank you for starting this thread, hugs to everyone.

Bullying is a major problem in our society nowadays because the schools are so scared to discipline kids. PARENTS I've noticed don't discipline their kids because they are scared to be reported because their kid complained about being punished (for good reason) to the wrong person.

I was bullied a lot back in school because I was a girl who was overweight. It was bad all through elementary school and through most of middle school. I would often cause myself to get sick so I wouldn't have to go to school to face the bullies.

In middle school it was worst, I sometimes retaliated and of course that just made everything worse. One bully even reported me once for smacking him with a ruler in art class when he was embarrassing me in front of the whole class and would NOT leave me alone. He had one hell of a bruise, but after hearing both sides of the story, the councelor told the boy that he was wasting her time and that she was shocked I hadn't hauled off and hit him sooner what with all he'd put me through.

I eventually went goth in late 7th grade through the rest of middle school and the bullying pretty much stopped (people don't seem to like to mess with goths for some reason). But in High school, everyone pretty much lost their identity and I basically just focussed on being invisible and unnoticed and went unbothered. I ended up being in all the gifted and talented classes, and the students in those classes were a lot more mature and I rarely had to deal with bullies there, thank goodness.

I never really told my parents, or anyone for that matter, about how badly I was being bullied, though they know some of it. I didn't tell them because it mortified me that I couldn't take care of my own problems and hated having mommy and daddy come to the rescue.

Now, I'm not saying that parent's shouldn't interfere, I'm not saying that at all. However, I do feel that parent's should encouage their kids to try and work their problems out themselves non-violently first... or else the kids will never learn how to stick up for themselves and overcome adversity.

My little novela here does have somewhat of a happy ending though....

They say once you've spoken hurtful words, it's impossible to take them back... well, that's not entirely true.

In high school, when the bullying finally stopped (for me at least), on the last day of school of my freshman year, my english seminar teacher made us do a project where we would go through magazines and find something that reminds of each member of that class and take it to that person and give it to them telling them why that picture or phrase reminded you of that person and they would glue all the clippings to a peice of computer paper to make a collage. Well, one guy in my class you used to bully me came up to me and gave me a clipping that had a quote on it that said:

"I'm sorry for what I said, for all the pain I caused, I went to far"

And he told me that this reminded him of me because he didn't treat me nicely at all in the past and that he was truly sorry, even though it probably didn't mean much now, and how he would understand if I didn't forgive him.

Now, I'm by no means a person who cries easily... but I started crying right then and there and I gave him a hug telling him that I accepted his appology and that he had no idea how much that one little scrap of paper meant to me. I still have that collage to this day, nearly 6 years later. That one little appology from just one bully meant so much to me, that in a way, it made up for almost all the bullying I ever put up with and it helped me to make peace with my past.

Okay, sorry for the UBER long post.... just had to say all that.

Oh Punky... now I'm crying. I wish I could meet you, I just know you are awesome. Thank you for sharing your story. So many of us can relate to this in one way or another. Things are going well for my child right now and we have been blessed that both of our sons have been in all of the talented and gifted programs, even getting to leave school and go to the college one day a week. It has been very inspiring for both of them. My little girl has been tested but they won't let you know if she gets in for another year. I guess when you take two average people like me and my hubby and put them together, you get super smart kids! LOL

I cannot imagine what it must have felt like for you when that bully actually "Got it". That scrap piece of paper must have felt like gold. I hate that you went through this torment in school but am thankful for you sharing because of all the people it will help. Again, You Rock Punky!

My Punky girl, I am so sorry you had to endure this, even with all the negative stuff you went through look at how great you turned out, you are one of the sweetest, strong, positive and kind young woman I have ever read.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.
HUGS

Thanks guys, and Jodie, you're absolutely right. If my house were burning down, that collage would be one of the things I would take with me as I was running for safety. It means so much to much to me that someone actually said "I'm sorry" that I plan on keeping that thing forever.

Punky your story reminds me of myself...
I'm not gonna make a long story but I started out as a very happy child at my first school at 3! years old. I ended up being very timid and shy when I got my glasses when I was 7 or 8. The school bullying started there.

I had a father who was very, don't know how to say it in english, strickt - firm? He was always right, what he said was good and what others said was bad. We all where afraid of him, he could hurt you just by looking at you. So I was also bullied at home.

Those 2 things made it difficult to express myself. It took me till about I was 22-23 to be first happy with myself. Just wanted to be good to everyone so they would like me. Now I know it's not neccessary that everybody likes you. My sister still holds the burden of his actions and reactions.

But ok, no more sadness!!
We have to learn from our experiences and try to help others with it. If it's your children or your friends. Talk about it and let them know you're there if they need you.

Oh Kitty, so sad you dealt with that, home should be where you feel the safest. I am so happy that you are happy with yourself now.
Thanks for sharing your story with us.

So glad to see that out of many struggles and hard times, we all turned out pretty doggone good and what more fun thing could we be doing in our lives then making a living by making children smile? God is good!

Jody Rife wrote:So glad to see that out of many struggles and hard times, we all turned out pretty doggone good and what more fun thing could we be doing in our lives then making a living by making children smile? God is good!

I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!

So, with all this bullying, when you see/hear it happen in your facepainting line what do you do? Just keep on painting? Say something? Do something? What do you do when the bully is in your line and is intimidating others or cutting the line or saying nasty things to others?

My son and daughter ages 18 and 8 have both been through this. My son was extremely handsome and popular which made him a target in middle school. Someone started a rumor that he was gay.
Because of his character, he tried not to respond, thinking it would fuel the fire so to speak...but it continued to get worse. Bullies waited for him after school and he had to fight to defend himself. When I find out how bad it had gotten, I approached the school on multilple occasions only to receive empty promises and no action.
He was at the point he didn't want to finish his 7th grade year. He did and by luck he ended up in a different mix of kids the next year and it got better. One of the things he remarked about was why would being gay make someone a target anyway? It was a hard lesson learned about general ignorance in the world.
When I saw the same signs with my daughter in 1st grade, we pulled her out of school in the middle of the year and enrolled her in Catholic school. Less than 300 kids in the entire school Pre-K through 8th and when issues come up, it's immediately addressed with a meeting between the teacher, principle and parents of all kids involved.

That's their policy in black and white, but to my knowledge it hasn't happened in the 1.5 years she's been there.

I was the target of a bully in high school that I didn't know who took my bus home (which wasn't her bus) along with 3 girls and proceeded to try to beat me up. I kept trying to avoid the situation thinking they would all 4 jump me, but the fight happened anyway between me and the one girl. I beat her up rather badly because of my pent up resentment of her targeting me and she left me alone after that.

Just Jenny wrote:So, with all this bullying, when you see/hear it happen in your facepainting line what do you do? Just keep on painting? Say something? Do something? What do you do when the bully is in your line and is intimidating others or cutting the line or saying nasty things to others?

I have actually had this happen once. It was this past season and I guess what had happened was the one boy (quite small and scrawny for his age) got in line to have his face painted and another boy from his school (the bully) got in line right behind him. I had no idea where their parents were, they were about 10 or 11 years old. Well, I tend to pay very close attention to my line so I can get a feel for the mood of people and whether they're growing impatient and this is why I over heard this altercation. Here's a rundown of what happened:

Bully: What are you gonna get painted? A princess? (in a very nasty mocking tone)
Boy1: No... I want the Skull face. (in a tone that told me he really didn't want to talk to this other kid)
Bully: The Skull?! That's a design for tough guys, you're too much a sissy to get that!
Boy1: No I'm not!
Bully: Yes you are! I bet you'll cry and get too scared to even get painted once you get up there!
Boy1: I will not! leave me alone!
Bully: What are you gonna do about it? go cry to mommy?
------at this point the boy faltered and didn't answer
Bully: Well? What are you gonna do?
----- I glance up and see the bully push the boy out of line and then I've had enough

I was so mad because I know how this kid felt and I decided to stick up for him, because none of the other kids' parents in line were saying a darn thing. I said to the little girl I was painting as a pretty princess "Can you excuse me for just a moment?" and then I rounded on the boys and I went right up to the bully, knelt down so I was level with him, and said:

"Young man, that kind of behavior will NOT be tolerated in my face painting line. And don't look at me like that, you KNOW what you're doing wrong, and it WILL stop right now or else I WILL NOT paint you and I WILL send you away crying to YOUR mommy. Have I made myself clear?"

At this he nodded, obviously rather upset and on the verge of tears because he got in trouble and I basically threatened to bring his mother into it. When he nodded I said:

"Good, now appologize to this young man over here"
------I nodded towards the first boy and the bully said he was sorry, though I could tell I had upset him, and he stood there in silence a few more minutes, then left and I never saw him again. When the bullied boy got up into my chair, he thanked me for sticking up for him and told me how the other boy bullies him in school all the time but the teacher never does anything about it. It made me feel good to help this kid out, because I would have loved it if an adult had really stuck up for me like that when I was bullied as a kid.

Was I bit harsh? Yeah, probably. I probably should have left out the part about making go crying to his mother, but I was so upset at that point and he was starting to make the encounter physical and I WILL NOT have that in my line. The key to dealing with rude or unruly kids period is to be firm and let them know that you will not tolerate any nonsense and if they do not desist, then they will not be painted. Threatening to not give a kid what they want is a quick and easy way to get them to settle down.

I have a sign at my booth that says "We love polite children! Rude children will not be painted" and I stick to it. This goes for kids being mean, unruly, or just down right rude to everyone... including the brats over whom the parents have no control who are disrupting my line. When I deal with these children in this way, I often get congratulated or thanked by other parents who also had qualms with how said child was behaving, and they respect me for expecting and demanding good behavior in my area.

and now I see I've written yet another really long... post... sorry!

You weren't to harsh Punky. I had a girl bully in line once. I stopped painting and went to her and told her about the same thing. Then I added I am not painting ANYONE being hateful! I have also told kids that are fighting over line space that if they don't stop, I won't paint either!

Cheryl, I have known people that have had to pull the kids out and go to Catholic or Christian school, home-school. I'm glad it worked out for you guys. We actually had our first child enrolled in Christian school but the reality for us was we couldn't afford to send all three. However, I have always thought that if nec. home school would always be an option.

I hear you, that was the situation with my son, we looked at the cost for Christian and Catholic schools, but at that time we couldn't afford it and didn't qualify for aid.

Face painting actually allowed us to have that extra income to enroll our daughter and not feel a major crunch financially, it ended up being slightly higher than having her in "before and after" school daycare.

It was the best thing we ever did, she also has major ADD (as do I and my son) and I see her flourishing in the small environment. She's not overstimulated by the buzzing activity of a huge class...from 27 kids to 13.

Most of all, I love the environment, just about all the parents are involved and they have lots of community activities outside of school time.

I have not read all the replies and I hope people have good advice for you. I was bullied my entire school career. NOTHING I or my parents did helped. In fact it only made it worse. No amount of documenting or going to the school or talking to parents. Everything they did made it worse.

My eldest daughter was bullied in a school with all sorts of "anti-bully" programs. Nothing we or the school did made it better and only made her life worse just like when I was a kid.

My solution was to take her out of school and not send my other children in the first place. I would rather have complete imbeciles for children then keep subjecting them to that kind of BS. If I could afford a private alternative school I might have looked into that option.

Punky I'm proud of you! You couldn't do it better than the -nanny-!
And Cheryl and Amy it's unbeleavable that inspite off programms in school or on TV it is still an issue...

I would always say something, if parents are there or not!

I think these bully kids are very insecure and it's possible they look for some kind of power that they don't have at home. Sometimes the parents are bullyers too and sometimes they are too soft.
Kids have to know their boundries and we have to set them at home first.

I'm greatfull that my sun came allright through his schoolyears. He's such a sweet guy (20yrs), sometimes too good, so I hope he will get through his adult life in a nice way.

Sorry for my spelling, school's been so long

I agree with everyone.. another talk with the principal and talks with all the teachers so they can keep an eye on things. The more eyes on it the better. And if that doesn't work.. a call to the school board may be in order. Sometimes you have to go over their heads. This is your childrens' mental health at stake! Take no prisoners!!

Having just finsihed high school only a few years ago I do remember bullying happening a lot and unfortunately there isnt much that can be done about it. Teachers cannot be everywhere and sadly kids who lie about this sort of thing ( most;y bullies to be honest) mean teachers have to be very careful about acting. Unfortunately kids will be kids and its hard to really squash the problem because kids ( well humans in general) create a pecking order and when one lot of bullies is taken away another lot rises up. Maybe they will be a bit more subtle but there is a lot of ways someone can be made miserable with no real way of fighting back. Rumours are a common way doing it.
I was a real outcast at school and I had a lot of trouble in later years because of family issues and severe depression ( not caused by bullying btw) which made me act bloody weird at times. Add in that I am not very feminine and didnt date well, I got bullied a lot. Lesbian and dyke was very common as well as things that i would probably call sexual assult ( guys trying to feel me up and things like that.) I dont really understand how being called a lesbian is an insult considering that i am bi is beyond me but hell I suppose it might be hurtful.
Honestly that was the tip of the iceberg, insults for being polite to teachers. not being christian, not being all that interested in studying ( yeah I got naughty word from the intellectual bunch too), not liking sport, enjoying reading, having naturally dark hair and pale skin, not having pristine uniforms or lots of money. All of those things got me bullied.
The only thing that kept bullies away from me was basically becoming an utter b***h to them, one thing that is often true is that bullies can dish it out but not take it ( most of the time anyway). It stopped the physical attacks at least and some of the verbal ones.
A flare for insults and an evil eye can do wonders. The only times I offered any form of violence to one of the bullies was a ( a specific incident)in the middle of an exam when they leaned over when the teachers back was turned to mess with my exam supplies... I stabbed his hand with a mechanical pencil not totally proud of that but he never bothered me again.
or b) if they touched me they learned what 10 years of ten pin bowling can do to improve ones grip.

It's sad but I dont think that you can really stop bullying, but at least the teachers and admin usually manage to keep the kids from doing physical harm and the more overt ways of bullying down ( sometimes with parent 'encouragement' i will say), but things like rumours cant really be stopped. Bullied kids need their parents support( or of some adult figure that they can talk to) and a thick skin to come out of school without going somewhat nuts in my opinion.

Gulaben,
It's brave of you to tell your story here. And it's true, if you get back at the bullys in some way, they will pick another.
I hope you're in peace with yourselves now and enjoy life.

Wow,Gulaben, it sounds like your school years were very difficult. Thank you for sharing. I am amazed at how many people though the situations vary, were bullied in high school.

I was just talking to my cousin who is 29, about the bullying she endured from elementary through high school. She was born with only one arm and was a target right away for a bunch of kids. I am 10 yrs older than her and I had no idea what she went through.