School bullies

My heart is heavy and I wonder if anyone has ever had to deal with bullies with their children and how did you handle it? The principal does not seem to be handling things and I am so concerned. I was bullied in middle school by a couple of miserable girls, that made my life horrid. Then a boy decided to target me and he was the worst. However, it suddenly stopped one day and I found out my big bro had a little TALK with him on my behalf.

So since the older bro jumping in isn't the answer in my situation now, how do you handle a bully? Thanks for any input.

I'm sorry Jody, I dont really know...

Thanks Lauri. It just seems that within my own fam, extended family and friends, so many kids are struggling in school with this. Hard to see kids go through it.

This is such an awful thing to have happened....I was traumatized with bullying for years!! I'm still angry at the system and the adults that sat by while I was tossed down stairs, beaten with hands and objects, threatened, harrassed and made miserable physically and mentally.

It is a big topic today, so perhaps you should have a 'talk' with the principal and the student's parents letting them know that with the recent 'bullying' tragedies that have been happening...."it would be a SHAME if I HAD NO CHOICE but to call in the press over such a matter. SURELY it would be better handled within the school. Of course my FAMILY has the media on speed dial and my reporter cousin says that this would be a great story. Although I am not a 'run to the lawyer' kind of person, a case may be made as this has been addressed with no resolution. Could be negligence...pain and suffering, associated medical costs....So Mr. Principal...what do YOU think we should do???"

I have been dealing with that with my daughter latley. I have a friend who has 5 kids and 2 of hers are being bullied as well. I spoke to the principle and teachers a few times and nothing was done. Finally I went in and spoke to the principle and really emphasized the word Bully. I also spoke to him about how it is becoming a nation wide issues and the government is becoming involved. that seemed to get him more interested.

I'm so sorry Mehndi that you had to endure that. I never had to deal with anything that harsh and can only imagine how hard that must have been. I do think a more persistant roll will def. help also, the other parents will definitely be contacted. Thanks guys.

Contacting the other parents may not help, but the principal and teachers -if they know that that kid suffers and it's thier butt, they may be more 'interested' in what is happening. I remember several things and have seen these things get worse - not better:
a) unfortunatly, parents seem to want and 'easy out' and to be a pal rather than a parent.
b) Most parents are blind to thier own children, although they deny it. 'MY little darling would NEVER', child then lies, parent cannot believe thier kid is either going through thier 'monster' period or a follower so kid gets away with it.
c) Apple rarely falls too far from the tree. The kid is either bullied or has total control /free reign at home or is a follower.

Good parents often don't want to believe it, and bad parents just don't care. Peers or authority figures are the best cure! It's unfortunate that it seems that it's rarer for the parent to be that figure because they really are the greatest influence.

Wow.....I sound like a total downer!! LOL But I still remember the feelings....and I'm over 40!! I am still conflicted as I loooove kids, I love painting them, talking to them, and the joy and fun they bring....
But in the back of my mind I remember that when adults turn thier backs, those adorable little angels are pack animals that go for what they see as the weakest in the sneakiest ways possible.

Bullying is not acceptable, its dibilitating and narcissistic behaviour. A bully acts for self gain and usually has low self esteem. I think kids who are confident and witty can stand up or are more steady about walking away from a bully.
That said, there is a source for every problem and bullies are formed from a range of issues that attack them and so they feel it makes them feel better by attacking someone else. The followers are there out of fear for the bully. If they are with the bully they are "safe".
I would arrange a meeting of all the parents and kids involved with the principal/third party (cop friend is good here) as a mediator. Very important to have the kids present. And lay the problem in front of the kids on the table.
I wish you all the best - I have been bullied recently and I feel for your kids.

My son is ADHD/Aspergers... he has been a target for being "different" than the other students. It's heartbreaking.

We brought in his Dr for a meeting with all the staff/Princ that have contact with our son. We covered several topics, one being bullying. We (and the Dr) were very explicit in what is acceptable behavior and what is considered bullying.

Our son has enough problems with social settings without adding bullying.
sigh

If it were me, I'd ask my child if they could give me specific occasions of bullying and who it was... document it... gathering as much information as possible before taking it to the school. I'd request a meeting with the principle, school counselor, whatever teachers he/she may have, and any other staff that has contact with them. Notify them of the problem, give them the information that you've gathered (I'd type it up and have copies made for each person with a quote pulled from the school policy handbook about bullying) and require them to sign and date your copy, noting that you've brought the problem to their attention and require that it be addressed ASAP.
I would also consider a follow-up meeting with them.

Best of luck to you.
This is such a terrible thing.... and, sadly, it seems to be growing.

blessings,
kat

These are all great suggestions and I will also share them with a couple of my friends who are parents and are dealing with very difficult situations right now. You guys are great.

Jody so sorry to hear your kids are having these problems. The principle & teachers have a duty of care to all students. You need to meet with them again & make sure you get what their strategy is for bullying. What is their action plan. If you don't get a good enough result let them know you will be taking this matter to whoever their boss is (it's the Department of Education here in Oz). Let them know that bullying is NOT acceptable nor will you stop until something is done to fix the problem. I watch Dr Phil & see so many shows of such nasty violent bullying going on it makes me sick.

Thankfully here in Tazzie we don't seem to be at the level of other areas of the world where bullying is concerned. I'm very aware of it though & have both my kids enrolled in Kung Fu since they were in kindergarten, to build their self esteem, confidence, strength & ability to know when to just walk away or if needed know that they can handle themselves if confronted. They teach them how to get people to 'back off', amongst many other things. In the world we live in I feel our kids need to have some physical confidence in themselves & also the smarts to know when to walk away.

Kim I'm also sorry to hear what you had to go through at school. The scars of what goes on can last for so long. I do believe that the hardest times in our life can make us stronger should we choose to think that way. I had a difficult childhood, but I do know it has helped to make me who I am today & I stand strong & proud of what I have become. Blessings to you both.

kat wrote:If it were me, I'd ask my child if they could give me specific occasions of bullying and who it was... document it... gathering as much information as possible before taking it to the school. I'd request a meeting with the principle, school counselor, whatever teachers he/she may have, and any other staff that has contact with them. Notify them of the problem, give them the information that you've gathered (I'd type it up and have copies made for each person with a quote pulled from the school policy handbook about bullying) and require them to sign and date your copy, noting that you've brought the problem to their attention and require that it be addressed ASAP.
I would also consider a follow-up meeting with them.

Best of luck to you.
This is such a terrible thing.... and, sadly, it seems to be growing.

blessings,
kat

Kat, you're on the right track. Document everything: put dates, times, names of witnesses if any, everything that was said (verbal abuse IS abuse) and if any physical contact was made. Every single event must be documented, because even if it seems little now...bullying tends to escalate, and if you can establish a pattern of this behaviour, your accusations hold more weight. Once you document these events, send a detailed letter to the teacher, guidance counselor, principal and whomever else is in charge at your school weekly, bi weekly, monthly...whatever the need may be, letting them know exactly what is taking place (details!!!) and asking for whatever assistance they may be able to give. Make sure you're vocal about it at teacher conferences and other meetings with other parents, staff and administration After a period of a few months (less, if there is physical contact taking place) demand some sort of action. Most schools do not allow ANY physical altercations to go unpunished. If you don't get the response you NEED from the school personnel, THEN (after attempting to go through the immediate school channels) address your letter to the Board of Education and School Superintendant, and enclose all documentation, notifying them since the situation has not been rectified, and is on-going, AND your child is in physical danger or is being physically bullied, you find no other alternative but to make this a Police matter and that if your child is touched/bullied ONE MORE TIME, you will have the police at their school to handle the matter and you WILL be pressing charges (be sure to cc: all the parties you originally sent letters and/or spoke to). You WILL see people jump, because if the bully is a minor....the charges get pressed against the parents, and the school will notify the parents of said bully that a parent is ready to take legal action if they don't get their child to stop. (You've got to be prepared to actually take this step because, after all, your child's life is being affected) - I know it works, cause it worked for me. It might not work for every situation and the laws may differ in your locale, but it is a place to start.
Sorry so long ..... and sorry you are all dealing (have dealt) with this situation.
It has to stop.

Wow Jody,

I'm sorry that this is happening to your children and in their school.

At my daughters' school. It is listed everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE that bullying is unacceptable. The students have a weekly monday morning meeting where they recite the school pledge. They recognize those students that show compassion and empathy. Our principle does not put up with any crap. He nips it in the bud. Along with many of you, I wish he was around for me when I was younger.

So, now as what to do. Address the principle again along with the teachers and the parents that need to be involved. If nothing gets done, you move up. You start making noise above the principles head. Go to the school board, superintendant, whoever you can find to listen to you, even if it is the human resource person for the school district. Someone needs to be notified. Hopefully that will get you somewhere.

And then....the school or the district needs to have a seminar on bullying where the parents are invited.
We had this seminar last month in the evening along with a spaghetti dinner. I could not believe the show of support.

Jody, you are your child's best advocate, you know that. Keep going, keep knocking on doors until one opens, fight for them to feel safe in their school.
Good luck and if you need any more resources just pm me!

YOu need to threaten to pull your kid out of school if nothing is done.... schools in Australia follow the squeaky wheel gets the grease. If you cause a big enough stink some Will be done.

I deal with this a lot, my daughter is an indigo child, I belive her spirit has been here before and she truly believes all children should be friends and play together... unfortunatley this is not how other kids think and she gets hurt everyday by mean kids.
This is how I deal with it.... although I should say I am not religious and have a great belief in energies so this has something to do with the way I deal with it.
I tell her this.... " everyone has their own energy, you can't see it but you can feel it, some have good energy that they give away for free, these are wonderfull people to be around as they are constantly sharing good energy with you... you are one of these people, and you are very lucky. Unfortunately there are people that do not know how to create their own energy and in turn need to take from others like you. They do this by being mean to you, putting you down, speaking badly to you or about you or physicaly hurting you. You will know this is happening because you will satrt to feel bad when they are around you. You need to not give them any energy, you need to keep your energy to share with others that share with you. Do not waste you time even looking at these people. They do not know how to do anything but take from you. If they speak to you.... walk away. If nessesary tell them in a very calm voice you will not allow them to take your energy. If they say something mean to you, try to realise that this is because THEY have a problem - NOT YOU. They will miss out on never knowing what an awesome person you are and they lose."

That's the basic jist of it... I have ways of telling her how to deal with different personality types and situations.... but it always come back to believing in yourself and realising the world is full of easy and hard people. The hard people will always be there making it hard for you, to be friends, to play a game whatever, but the easy people who will always play with you and be nice to you are always there too and these people are the people that are worth your time and energy... not the hard people.

I feel for you going through this. Whenever it happens my husband wants to storm the school and hunt down the parents and tell them if their kid antagonizes ours again he will permanently disable their child.... so it's important I deal with it as best I can.
Hope it helped you some babe.... and that it passes quickly for you and your kidlet!
xxx

Oh Tash, I love the way your handle it with your little girl.

"I feel for you going through this. Whenever it happens my husband wants to storm the school and hunt down the parents and tell them if their kid antagonizes ours again he will permanently disable their child.... so it's important I deal with it as best I can."


Tash, I laughed out loud when I read that part! It does make you feel like going to the school and just letting them have it! I am so thankful for all of this information that you have each passed on too me. So thankful for all of my new friends on the forum

Jody Rife wrote:My heart is heavy and I wonder if anyone has ever had to deal with bullies with their children and how did you handle it? The principal does not seem to be handling things and I am so concerned. I was bullied in middle school by a couple of miserable girls, that made my life horrid. Then a boy decided to target me and he was the worst. However, it suddenly stopped one day and I found out my big bro had a little TALK with him on my behalf.

So since the older bro jumping in isn't the answer in my situation now, how do you handle a bully? Thanks for any input.

My girls were bullied, they went to a very small catholic school where everybody knew each other... it was hell. I began to volunteer for recess and lunch duty during my day off, ( I worked full time) just so I could keep an eye out for the bully. Anytime I saw a child picking on another child I would confront the kid and take him or her to the principle's office and make a complaint. Some teachers and parents don't like to get involved, they look the other way, I don't.
The school had such a big problem with bullying that they created a program to help educate the students, staff and parents but they did it after a huge incident where a boy threaten to shoot another kid!
I also had my girls learn the basic self defense, it gives them confidence.

I help teach a Bible study with a group of kids who's parents are staff or volunteering. One day we were talking about bullying & I was curious how many kids had dealt with it. So, I asked for a raise of hands. It turned out every child(about 15 kids) but one(mine) had dealt with bullying. My child is mildly autistic & I know didn't fully understand the question(and I know for a fact has been bullied).
We got into a discussion of who in the Bible was bullied & how they dealt with it. What it came down to was identity. Those strong in their own identity dealt with bullying the best. We are working on a curriculum series on helping kids know their identity(who they are) to a Spy/James Bond sort of theme.
I've found for bullying it also helps to know where it comes from. Most times the bully is hurting & insecure in his/her identity due to circumstances beyond their control. It's a way to try and gain some form of control in their lives.
I'll post what we come up with for the curriculum(it'll be ready in July since we wan to equip the kids right before they go back to school in August).

Good for you Belle, thank you for sharing your experience.

Linda, my husband and I are teachers at our church and the last time I taught one of my students was telling me about these 2 girls that have bullied her for a year. When she told the teacher, the teacher put my student at the same table with the bullies and said "You are just going to have to learn to work it out!" I couldn't believe it. So that being said, I want to teach about it at church too. I look forward to hearing how your classes go. We are preparing to get a new youth pastor and I will def. bring it up with him. Thank you for sharing.

I'll let you know. Our team builds curriculum every week. We usually have a theme every month & try to keep it relevant to the kids. A good example is next month we're doing a series called I Jesus & is formatted off the show I Carly(I even got egged & filmed for it:-)
We have fun!

My daughter was being called a lesbian this year... I told her to punch the girl in the throat.

She isn't a fighter like her mama though...

She IS a comedian though! So we tried that... I told her a few witty comebacks and well, it ended.

I am not sure if this helps... I guess you just have to find which way your child is best at dealing with the situation.

I would suggest marching to the school, naming the bullies and ask that they immediately call in the kids parents for a little sit down with ALL involved and don't leave until it is scheduled.

There was a boy who was saying "shame, shame" to my daughter on the school bus for no reason and it was going on and on. They were on our cul-de-sac playing and someone told on her for telling him to "shut up." I don't let my kids say that and asked her why and she said that "that is the kid tormenting me and he was saying the "shame, shame" thing again.

I marched up to him and asked him what the reason was that he was doing this. Did my daughter do something to him or was he just trying to be mean for pleasure. He had no answer. I just said "Do you think we can stop doing this or I am going to talk with your parents." He replied. "Yes, we can stop doing this." and it has been over a week and my daughter said that he hasn't messed with her.

I don't know why the school system seems scared to confront children for Pete's sake. I say call them out on it before it get's serious.

Good luck!
-Metina

I am so sorry to hear this, it is so sad that is happening more and more each day. My daughter is 11 and in 5th grade, she has been bullied as well since 4th grade. Kids call her weird, laugh at her, don't want to play with her, she is a very sweet and compassionated girl and I don't know why kids have to do this to anyone.
Most of the time she comes home from school she is sad, and she says she doesn't like her school. I am unsure on what to do as well, it breaks my heart when I see how much this is affecting her, I wish I could take it all away.

This is so sad and upseting. I hope you can resolve this issue as soon as possible. I really could not imagine having to stand by and watch this happen to my own children. Its such a tough situation, and you must feel helpless but I read and their are some great tips on here so I hope something works out for you. please keep us posted.

@Maggie so sorry to hear that. Especially with girls, I know how cruel they can be. Just make sure she doesnt keep anything to her self...I always tell my boys if anything like this happens to you, make sure to tell some one even if you look like a snitch..... it doesnt matter I will go to any extend necessary to make sure that it ends. I also tell them not to stand there and watch some one else get bullied and I hope thats what he is doing. As a matter of fact now that it has been brought up Im going to have a convo with him. Anyways, I hope u 2 can find a solution. School is supposed to b fun, especially at her age. Too bad she has to go through this BS... Good Luck chica!

Hi Ruth, You are back!!!!!!!!!!!! We missed you over here chica.
Thanks for the kind words.