Little girls grow up... Dealing with male friends

So, here is the thing....   

My oldest daughter has a male friend she occasionally plays with (she is 11).
She knows him since she was 4.
Lately, I feel really bad about myself......
Why?  

Because I really disgust the boy! 
I really don't like him and I don't know why.

He is nice, polite, and thoughtful.
If there is a bad thing I would have to say about him, then it would be that he is quite loud and pervasive present. But he cannot help that, he has ADHD.
I also have heard stories from other moms, telling me, he shows up at their doors too, for wanting to play with their daughters. But most of the time they aren't there or don't want to play with him, and he ends up playing with my daughter as she rarely says no. It seems he never plays with boys, and his parents aren't home much, so he wonders  the streets alone a lot or is with his grandparents..... Or at our place  
So I do feel a bit sorry for him...
Still, the feeling of disgust overrules... 

So, why do I feel this way? Is it just him, or would I feel the same way if it were another boy? I do not know.
But it is bugging me that I feel this way, and can not seem to shake that feeling off.
And this boy comes to our house a lot. Since this week even early in the morning, to go to school together.

I always try to hide my disgust as much as I can because I don't want to upset my daughter.
I don't want to offend him either, he has been through a lot already in his young life, with losing his mum to cancer when he was 7. Within a few months after she got ill.

Can you see my dilemma, not sure how to deal with it... Will it be like this too when, in a few years, my girls  start dating?

Sorry, I just had to rant, vent (???)...

Ps. they say they are not in love with eachother, haha, currently the boys seems to have a girlfriend. This girl is one of my daughters best friends.
Hahaha Kids!

Hmmmm. A strong part of me says that you should always at least LISTEN to your gut.

On the other hand... I guess I would say, speak to your daughter about him (Are there are red flags in behavior, voice act or deed) and take some time to talk to him as well.

It may very well be that all the girls, and you, are surrogate mother figures or at least female presences closer to his mother's age and on an inner level he is more comfortable around them....

Or, maybe he just reminds you of an Ex. In other words.. COULD be nothing- but might be worth exploring more.

I have a different take on this one. when we fear we might loose something or someone we tend to cling to them tighter. the boy lost his mother recently. he most likely has abandonment issues due to the fact he is always alone at home. your family has given him a the ability ti interact with the female gender that he has been missing. he will cling to that. it is almost always annoying when someone is so clingy in a relationship.

I do not personally think it is him, but more his situation that is causing this. over time he will realize not every woman in his life is going to leave him. he will relax around them. he will not be as desperate for affection.

just my take on it not sure if it helps at all

Well, it might be so... I don't know...
His dad did find a new love within a 1/2 to 1 year after his wife died, and they are still together.
But I don't really know how the boy feels about his stepmom.
The couple of times I had to deal with her, I didn't like her either :oops:she is kind of a Nutbar lady!

On the other hand... They are still kids...
They are in 7th grade of school now, after the 8th grade they will go to another school, and maybe they won't go to the same school, maybe they will, so things can change.

Anyway I would feel bad, keeping him away, or forbid the playing together, just because I feel uncomfortable around him.

So, quite mixed emotions I have....

I have learned through many hard lessons trying to please everyone else against my better judgment. If this boy gives you the creeps for whatever reason, go with your gut.

I have been in similar situations with my kids and just tell thechild who shows up at my door that my kid isn't available to play. After enough times he will get the hint.

You can't solve other people's problems. His problems are not your problems. Your kids come first and if your instinct is telling you 'no' for whatever reason, go with it!

I once basically took in a little girl down the street whose single mother was destitute because her mother was on drugs andi felt so bad for hershe was so sweet.mthe mother wound up stealing my $10,000 engagement ring with 3 generations of my families diamonds on it! I eventually did get it back, filed charges and had her arrested.

Not that this problem is anything like yours, but I have had other kids being friends with mine that I had feelings about. One happening most recently. Now I go with my gut. Period.

I agree with Michael, losing a mother or father can have many changes in someone's life.  I think the important thing is to discuss your irritations with your daughter in a non comfrontational, judgemental way.  You're daughter is 11, an age where making her own decisions are important to her development and confidence in her own ability to do so; her knowing what is bothering you will help her understand why you have the concerns you do and to be more aware of possible conflict that may arise; but overly controlling and making this choice for her could have detrimental effects.  You may be surprised, most of my childhood friends startrd exploring new friends and different things to do in middle school and she or he may lose interest in hanging out all the time soon enough...then you'll be wishing she had friends that WANT to hang out at your home (having a 14 year old she hates bringing most her friends by because they want to hang out and chat with us instead  )

Well she knows I'm not fond of the guy, but she seems to like him, so I respect that. When she doesn't feel like playing with him, she tells him that too.

thouartbeautiful wrote:I agree with Michael, losing a mother or father can have many changes in someone's life)

I know, I can't even imagine what it must have been like for them.
His mum was suffering of an inflammation of the bladder, during the summer months. and it didn't go away. Further research resulted in the diagnoses Cancer. This was in August. She died in February, just a few months later.

I feel better now getting it off my chest and Reading your thoughts and opinions about it...
Thank you all!

All considerations of going with your gut taken into account, as long as nothing really threatening seems to be there, I am with Michael on this. This young boy is hurting. He feels alone. He may be drawn to girls because he can't socialize well with boys at this point (not trying to over-generalize, but girls are more verbal, etc., and might be easier for him to interact with). Whatever the reason, he is drawn to the friendship and in need.

I work with children. During one of my clinicals (internships) in college, the last day, my instructor asked me to confide in her as to who was my LEAST favorite child on my caseload (she told me hers, first). This was done privately in a conversation we had, and not out of any mean-spiritedness (neither of us has that in us). She was just a wise teacher in so many ways, and her point was that there will ALWAYS, NATURALLY, be, in any group of people (children or adults), people you like more and people you like less.

Once that is acknowledged, you are actually free to go beyond that, and - here's the zen beautiful part of it - LOVE them all.

It's true. Over the years, I've had hundreds of kids I've worked with, and I've looked for the light in each of them. Several years ago, there was a middle school boy who was very unattractive in many ways: looks, clothing/hygiene, poor social skills, some annoying quirks and habits that would grate on anybody. I realized right off the bat that he was either going to drive me crazy or that I would have to put in extra emotional effort to manage my reaction. Here's what I did: I made myself enjoy our time together. Like I said, I "made" myself! It didn't come naturally, as with a person I would be naturally drawn toward enjoying. But, for a half an hour twice a week, we can make ourselves do anything. So I told myself, this is a human being. He was born to be who he is, and I was not born to be his judge. Life has placed us together in a room twice a week. What can I do with this? And what I did was amazing (or should I say, the experience amazed me!). I began each session by flashing my smile, acting (inside) as if I felt glad to see him, dealt with his behaviors respectfully (i.e. - I didn't let him get away with poor behavior, but I didn't overreact inside and add my inner dislike to wahtever he was doing), and I tried and tried and tried to draw him out, hear his thoughts, etc.

Did we become best friends? No. Did it become better? A LOT. I actually lost the feeling of dread when it was time to meet with him, and I actually looked forward to the human exchange. I also felt, in a small barely perceptible way, that his spirit was registering my good regard for him. I wasn't going to change his world in such a short time. But I sure wasn't going to take away from his energy and psyche by simply "enduring" out time together.

It was good.

Just some input.

But why is this child giving her the creeps?

Personally, I would keep the "line of sight" rule whenever they are together. There is a reason you feel uneasy. You don't have to ban him, you just need to be the adult in charge. So many factors play in, your job is to be Mom.

pinkundies wrote:But why is this child giving her the creeps?

That is exactly what bothers me most, that I can't explain why I feel this way.

But so far I treat him with respect, and welcome him in our house, despite what I feel inside.
Like you said Anniel, I am the adult, I see it as my job to be an example for my kids.
I want them to learn to treat every person with respect, even if you don't really like the person.

Thanks for the input, gonna try your advice, be zen about it.

I believe your issue is that we already know the path this poor kid is on.

unfortunately my son has the same issue, and it breaks my heart that the other kids don't always want to play with him. he's adorable, smart, but he is just to tenacious, persisting, and hyper. not to mention traumatic experience as a toddler....
I do my best, but I fear what would happen if I lose my life before he is finished getting treatment....

I try to circumvent the problem by making sure his visits are spaced out so he doesn't wear out his welcome.

I was the annoying loud child many moons ago, and I adore the mothers who tolerated me. I knew I was loud and maybe rude a bit and I couldn't help it. They were girlfriends though, which I still love as my soul sisters. I am not sure if you are a believer, but in times like these I say to myself,"grace and mercy". It helps me keep things in perspective.

nikkili26 wrote:I believe your issue is that we already know the path this poor kid is on.

unfortunately my son has the same issue, and it breaks my heart that the other kids don't always want to play with him. he's adorable, smart, but he is just to tenacious, persisting, and hyper. not to mention traumatic experience as a toddler....
I do my best, but I fear what would happen if I lose my life before he is finished getting treatment....

I try to circumvent the problem by making sure his visits are spaced out so he doesn't wear out his welcome.

Well, that is my worry too...

He used to be in my daughters class till last schoolyear. This year he transferred to another class because he was bullied by some boys from their class...

That says a lot I think....
So that is one of the reasons why I feel so mixed up.
At one side the dislike even though he is always polite and attentive,and on the other hand feeling sorry for him, so let him be friends with my daughter...
As it seems from the rumours I get, he doesn't get much attention from his parents, and not having much contact with his way older brother (the brother is 17-18ish).

What else is there to do, than tolerate him then and make HIM feel he is welcome, right?

Talking with you guys (girls) have helped me lot. Because at first I was so focussed on the feeling of disgust. Your points of view made me look deeper than that...

So, I will wait and see how I feel the next time he is here...
With the things you said in mind....

Thanks again!